LJ Idol Season 11: Friends/enemies

[miintikwa]

Last week's entry was so uncomfortable for me I still (as of writing this) haven't even looked at the comments. And yet, here we are in a place that the natural thing would be to build on it.

Admitting that you're at least partly in the wrong is never easy. And yes, I dressed it up. I couldn't help it. I am very ashamed of some of the things I did back in those days. But for some of us hardheaded hairless monkeys, the only way to really learn a lesson is to have it drubbed into you by hard experience. I definitely managed that, with bells on.

On the other hand... I know of at least one person who once was my friend, who now hates me passionately because someone lied about something I said, embellishing what I actually said into something unforgivable. A friend of mine referred to this as the "truth, lie, and obfuscate" strategy, and it worked against me too well. The fallout lasted for years, and all of it contains some of my most painful memories of LJ.

I knew on some level, how tribal people were, and how everyone would pick a side. But until I experienced it-- until it was me and my friends versus them and their friends, it wasn't a visceral thing. I was grateful for those who stood by me, but I also learned exactly how fickle some people can be. Worse, though, was the discovery of the people who kept their masks on so they could 'spy' for their friend-- my former friend.

I was framed-- but they chose to betray me. Weirdly, I have forgotten most of them. I haven't forgotten the pain, but the people? They picked their side, and bon voyage to them.

What's really hard is that I didn't do it. I still knee-jerk want to defend myself, to scream "I never!" and stomp my feet and somehow convince them--and some of the other people who chose them from the beginning-- to be my friend again. And yet. Not only has so much time passed it would be ridiculous, it's probably more true to say that neither of us is the person we were a decade or more ago. They hate a ghost, and I long for the friendship of a person who probably no longer exists.

That's the only thing that comforts me, some nights.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Hugs. People can be so judgy and not let go.

[tonithegreat]

It is strange for me to reflect back on my old internet interactions too. I don’t think I made real enemies back in the day (I recall one unfriending of note on LJ and a couple of listserv buddies that flamed out, all of whom I also happened to interact with in RL too) but boy did I ever barf a cringe-worthy amount of information out there. Sounds like you at least grew through your negative interactions. I’m sorry you lost friends. Happy Halloween!

[(Anonymous)]

"They hate a ghost, and I long for the friendship of a person who probably no longer exists."
Fantastic line, and I think a lot of us can relate to this idea in some way.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know how to do open ID, this is Tigrkittn

[kehlen.livejournal.com]

I am very familiar with what you have talked about these two weeks. I have accidentally deeply offended several people (thankfully, not at once), and I have been ghosted by someone I considered a close friend for no reason I know of.

All of it is jarring and leaves you without propqer closure, which sucks.

But you can only accept it and move on to be your better self. If you learned from these situations, and it is clear you did, you need to one day forgive yourself and stop feeling guilty.

*hugs*


(I also used to try to please everyone and was afraid of losing people, but that friend ghosting me taught me a very valuable lesson: no matter how hard I try to be pleasant and inoffensive, some people will still leave.

So I stopped trying so hard. If someone cannot take all of what I am willing to show, let them go.)

[static_abyss]

Your last paragraph is so true. You can't really help what people feel or believe either so there was really nothing you could have done. But it's good that you at least know that you are all different people and that you grew from your experiences.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah. It sucks - SUCKS - when you are telling the truth and people believe the lies

sweeny_todd

[zeeth_kyrah]

I had someone do that sort of thing to me over keeping a job at summer's end. All's not fair in love and war, thanks. :/

[millysdaughter]

I often find myself missing someone who never existed.

[rayaso]

This sounds like a truly awful situation. I loved your conclusion: "They hate a ghost, and I long for the friendship of a person who probably no longer exists." There is some real wisdom in it.

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

I can relate to this, and to the last one, a lot. Enough that after my first season of Idol, I sat out, and was hesitant to come back. To this day, I'm barely ever terribly vocal outside of my own journal.

I was never accused of something I didn't do, and I have no regrets about anything I said* - except possibly that I bothered to engage - but I had never been in any sort of online community previously, and I learned firsthand how these kinds of places can be cruel and scathing, and often result in hyper-dramatic reactions of mob mentality when I went from being a fledgling darling to social anathema in the space of a day for daring to speak up about thinking differently from the herd.

I'm still one whose inner monologue tends to buck the crowd - I can't help that, it's just the makeup of the way my brain works - but, I have learned not to speak up except in settings where there might be value in doing so.

*(I was never unkind, though it's possible some of my opinions have changed over time, I don't know, I can't recall every point I made, but I never attack a person individually, so in that respect, I'm not ashamed for having been unkind, because that's not who I am, but if I had to review it over again - and why would I? - I might not remain in some of the positions I was in 10 years ago, I couldn't say)