Hi and welcome! Thank you for visiting my little corner of the web!

I am Kara Owl. I read the tarot! You are welcome to ask questions through comments or use the "contact me" page there if your question requires more privacy. If the options are overwhelming, please feel free to email me and we can work together to find the best option for you!

You can also support my Patreon! Become a Patron! Please join! We have a wonderful community forming.

If you are curious about my tarot readings here are the options:

Healing Reading -- $75
This two-part tarot reading will help you to find where you need healing, and help you with guidance and meditation while you walk the path of healing your wounds. Requires a short, real-time consultation for the first part of the reading, which can be done via email or chat (email preferred).

Five Questions -- $50
A special reading where you ask five questions and I tell you the answers that the cards give me, using as many cards as is necessary. This reading must be done real-time, and I will do it via email or chat.

Three Questions -- $30
A special reading where you ask me three questions and I give you the answers that the cards give me, using as many cards as is necessary. This reading must be done real-time, and can be done via email or chat.

Life Compass Reading -- $45
An interactive tarot reading that will help you in finding your true career path, or verify that you're on the right path. This reading needs to be done in real time, and can be done via email or chat.

Romance Reading -- $30
An interactive 2-part tarot reading that can help you to find your best romantic partner. We will discuss what you need, and what kind of partner will best help you find your highest good. This reading can be done via email or chat.

Compatibility Reading -- $25
A tarot reading that delves into your romance issues. We will look at your partnership, and what hidden issues you and your partner may need to resolve. This reading is generally done via email.

Wheel of the Year Reading -- $65
A special reading that I have developed that tells you about your life for the next year. I'll tell you what to watch out for during the current month, and then give you a general overview for the next 11 months.

Seasons of Life Reading -- $30
A special reading that I have developed which tells you about your life for the next few months. Tells you what to expect in the near future, and what difficulties, if any, you'll have to face. Will also tell you hidden problems that may crop up in the near future.

Animal Spirit Reading -- $50
A special reading that I have developed that will give you messages from your specific animal spirit guides. This reading can tell you about long term or short term animal guides, and will help you untangle the messages from your guides.

Celtic Cross -- $25
This is the standard, general life reading. If you wish to have guidance for the near future, or simply know what the tenor of your life is, this is the best reading for that. It is also excellent at answering specific questions in detail.

Past Life Reading -- $30
This reading will give you the details of who you were, where you lived, and what lessons you brought from that life. It will also give you a Soul Message, that can help you with this current life.

Six Card Reading -- $10
Can be a modified general life reading, or can be "two paths" telling you what you are facing now and the two paths you can take regarding this problem.

Three Card Reading -- $5
Can be the usual past/present/future reading, or can be "Three Answers," depending on what you need and request.

Paypal can be sent to deyaniera at gmail dot com. I do my best to contact you within 24 hours of receiving your payment, and do the readings as soon as possible, always!

This weekend was not so great. C sliced his thumb open while installing the new water heater on Saturday. So, that meant ADRENALINE followed by running to the ER and then waiting for (three) hours until they could see him. Four stitches later, I demanded a gyro because the adrenaline reaction was setting in, and I was hungry and wanted something GOOD. C agreed (he likes Greek food, too) and we went to a local place with really good gyros. As it turns out, they also have a great cucumber and tomato salad. (They put a salty feta on it! It was SO GOOD.) Sadly, they were out of the rose-mint tea they sometimes serve.

Sunday, I was hurting. The adrenaline reaction meant my muscles were sore, and I think I got a little dehydrated because I had a bad headache all day. I drank a bunch of water, but it didn't help much. C called his brother for help and the two of them managed to get the hot water heater installed, though it took most of the day. So, I sucked it up and dyed my hair and showered and then ate a late dinner. And then something set off my body foo, because I started having the bad reaction I get sometimes. So I took my meds and crashed. Getting up today sucked. But I managed, got to work early, and then got most of my work done by noon. LOL. I am nothing if not efficient.

Also on the plus side, I'm off the next two days and thanks to the aforementioned efficiency, I've gotten all the work out of the way I HAD to do. I have a couple more things, but one of them has to wait until our contractor does the template, and the other... well, technically I could have done it today, but it requires a careful examination and I decided to wait until I had more brain. I put it on the schedule for Thursday morning. That way, I can do the careful work that I need to do once I'm awake enough.

Tomorrow, we go to C's follow up with the surgeon. He's doing great, his numbers are good, so we're expecting a clean bill of health. After, he promised to take me out to a nice sit-down dinner, and I am STUPID excited about it. There's a little Korean place near the hospital and I am looking forward to some bolgugi, galbi, or maybe bibimbap, or... heck, I have to admit just some kimchi rice would probably hit the spot. I miss good Korean food. There was a little hole in the wall in Tampa that taught me all about how delicious Korean food can be. So, yay Korean dinner-- complete with Korean blackberry wine, which... hot damn, it's so good. My favorite wine. I like it better than plum wine.

I might even dress up for dinner! I have a couple cute dresses, and C being cancer free is worth celebrating.

For now, I have homework. I'm going to try to get it done so I can really enjoy my days off.

Last night was bad.

After hours of howling, climbing on everything she shouldn't be climbing on, and general mayhem, Namaki fell on my head and that was the last straw. I have been up since 4am, with a little napping after 7-ish. I should have started my homework then, but I was so tired and brain-fried I just melted into my chair and zombied out.

After coffee, breakfast, and a work email that caused an adrenaline rush (unnecessary, a leftover from previous bad jobs) I managed to help C with site swapping Namaki and the two older kitties. She got to wander around the living room, see the cat room and just be. We thought she'd be scared, but she was fine! So, once she settled on my lap for cuddles, we brought the dogs in.

Oooh, spicy baby did not like that. She hissed at Athena (who then laid down with her back to us all, the pouty brat), hissed and swung at Vala, and puffed up as much as she could. Vala is a good girl, and laid down far enough away to let Namaki relax a little. She curled back up, glaring at poor Vala. Eventually, she seemed to relax, stretching out on me.

Still, though she "relaxed," Namaki wouldn't move from my lap. And so we let them all just exist in the same room for another 10 minutes or so, and then C brought Hinata and Tsubaki out and we put Namaki back in the bedroom. I checked on her a few times-- this most recent time she was all roly-poly trills and snuggles. We'll work on getting her accustomed to everyone with short site swaps until she can exist with everyone else. She bounces back better than I do. lol

Anyway. I still have homework. I should get to work on it.

I have been considering writing here again for a while, because sometimes screaming into the void is a necessity. Of late, it's been the only thing keeping me alive.

Death looms everywhere. I am not naive enough to think I'm special, that somehow I'll escape the doom hovering over my entire country. No, I'm well aware that my doomsday clock has moved inexorably closer to midnight after this last election.

For a while, I kept thinking we might be okay, they might start in-fighting, or they'd be too stupid to do things that wouldn't trigger responses.

But the apathy or idiocy of my fellow countrymen continues to be worse than I thought. And combined with the even-greater-evil of the so-called "religious right," we are up a shitty creek and they burned the paddles in front of us all and laughed while they did it.

And so, here we are. They've introduced the new Health and Human Services plan, and it includes a whole lot of eugenics. A whole lot of "if your child has these issues, we have a great plan for them!" which boils down to "let them kids die" couched as "sunlight and exercise will fix it!"

SSRIs, ADHD meds, and a whole bunch of other medications are on the chopping block. I thought at least the pharmaceutical industry would push back. But not a peep. The democrats that are "pushing back" are basically hand-wringing. I... *sigh* I TRY to be fair. It's not like they have a single majority in anything anywhere. But fucks sake. If they hadn't been so fucking ineffectual... well. Evidence is mounting that there were election shenanigans, so maybe it was a cheat. I don't know. All I know is that they're not doing enough-- there are fucking BOOKS written about this kind of thing. Step by step guides on how to resist and all. But protests go unreported. The media breathlessly hand wrings about every bullshit action the "administration" takes, but the protests? Nah, fam. Wouldn't want Daddy to get upset. He might sue them again.

And yes, there will be legal battles, but the booger king is ignoring all the court stuff. Children in other countries are already dying thanks to that. (But, who cares about them? No one who could make a difference.) People sue, and the swastikkkar guy laughs and guts another federal agency.

It's a thousand body blows a day. As I've said before, "death by a thousand cuts takes way too long."

Literally, when he was announced the winner, I thought "well, at least I will have made it to 50." I never really expected to grow up. Even for a Gen X kid, I was weird. Likely undiagnosed neurodivergent, too much of a tomboy for the girls, and too much of a girl for the boys. Too weird and rebellious for the "good kids" too, once I found the tarot. We are the weirdos, mister, and all that.

But, I still had hope. I thought "well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it won't be that bad."

But, the last month have proven that wrong. It's worse. It's so much worse, because WE HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE. At least, those of us who actually PAID ATTENTION to history.

Fucks sake, I do not understand how ANYONE can be so obtuse. So willfully IGNORANT. So willing to blind themselves to the things happening RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. Willing to LIE TO THEMSELVES!?!? How TF does that work?

I read 1984 when I was a kid. Animal Farm was assigned, and the teacher offered extra credit for 1984 and Farenheit 451. I don't remember why I didn't finish F451, but I didn't. But I remember CLEARLY how enraging Animal Farm was to me, as a kid. And 1984. HOW, I railed, could ANYONE ignore the evidence of their own eyes? HOW could they LIE about their fellow man? Why couldn't they SEE what was happening?

Oh, self. Oh, you sweet summer child.

It's so much worse. So much worse than I even realized. Watching the lies be swallowed, the hook set, and the fishy fling itself into the fisherman's boat. A gleeful dance of death, because some nice brown lady had a weird laugh. Because some transgender person made them feel weird, and that's bad. Because some gay couple wanted to adopt, and GASP we cannot have that!

*sigh*

One of the billionty people I follow to keep from flinging myself off the Skyway bridge suggested we go out and find a nice drag queen story hour to support. I laughed a bitter, bitter laugh, because Covid killed the queer bookstore here in town. There's a Books A Million and a B&N still, but neither of those will host any gay events. Corporate changed the rules.

We have a couple trans kids at the school I do the reporting for. The registrar is a supporter, and we were talking the other day about trying to make sure those kids stay safe. She said one of them is pretty much giving up, and talked about how heartbreaking it is not to be able to PROTECT THE KIDS.

Like, as an educator, that's your whole job. Protect the kids while they learn. And this administration isn't letting us protect the kids that NEED the protection.

They're protecting the bullies.

And setting big-ass targets on the rest of us.

Well. It seems like people are venturing over here. I have a couple people I get emails when they post, and sometimes I remember to read and sometimes it dies in my inbox. Maybe if I try writing a bit, I'll get better at remembering to read?

One can hope, anyway.

Uhh... So, how is everyone?

Here in Miinty-Land, I have been working for a while, and I love my job. I am still sad and frustrated that I couldn't get my counseling degree. But the current job is amazing. I get to help people! I'm helping other disabled people get the care and support they need. But, I'm always exhausted and have very little time to myself. That part sucks.

Plus, honestly, we do not get paid enough for what we do. But then, that's pretty much every government job. The benefits help. My boss is the single most awesome boss I've ever had. I love her and love getting to talk to her in the mornings every day. Which, y'know, I can't say that about any other boss I've ever had. LOL

So, life is good for the most part. There's things I would change, but a lot less than I'd have expected.

The pandemi was utterly ridiculous, but we've endured.

I started up over on DuoLingo again. My French is getting better. Ish.

What's new by you?

Last week's entry was so uncomfortable for me I still (as of writing this) haven't even looked at the comments. And yet, here we are in a place that the natural thing would be to build on it.

Admitting that you're at least partly in the wrong is never easy. And yes, I dressed it up. I couldn't help it. I am very ashamed of some of the things I did back in those days. But for some of us hardheaded hairless monkeys, the only way to really learn a lesson is to have it drubbed into you by hard experience. I definitely managed that, with bells on.

On the other hand... I know of at least one person who once was my friend, who now hates me passionately because someone lied about something I said, embellishing what I actually said into something unforgivable. A friend of mine referred to this as the "truth, lie, and obfuscate" strategy, and it worked against me too well. The fallout lasted for years, and all of it contains some of my most painful memories of LJ.

I knew on some level, how tribal people were, and how everyone would pick a side. But until I experienced it-- until it was me and my friends versus them and their friends, it wasn't a visceral thing. I was grateful for those who stood by me, but I also learned exactly how fickle some people can be. Worse, though, was the discovery of the people who kept their masks on so they could 'spy' for their friend-- my former friend.

I was framed-- but they chose to betray me. Weirdly, I have forgotten most of them. I haven't forgotten the pain, but the people? They picked their side, and bon voyage to them.

What's really hard is that I didn't do it. I still knee-jerk want to defend myself, to scream "I never!" and stomp my feet and somehow convince them--and some of the other people who chose them from the beginning-- to be my friend again. And yet. Not only has so much time passed it would be ridiculous, it's probably more true to say that neither of us is the person we were a decade or more ago. They hate a ghost, and I long for the friendship of a person who probably no longer exists.

That's the only thing that comforts me, some nights.

I am surrounded by grief.

I have lost count of the people I know who have lost spouses. I have a few friends dealing with the grief of losing a parent or parent type person. Several others have lost siblings. And, I have a friend who just lost their child.

I am not even counting those who have lost friends, or who are dealing with the fallout from murder or suicide. And yes, that's trickling through my friends right now. (I have a lot of SCA friends.)

Perhaps this is normal? I honestly don't know anymore. I can demarcate the day where everything changed: a friend lost their spouse very suddenly, several years ago. And for whatever reason, the ripples from that included me. (Not that I lost someone, but that my friend let me be one of the people they leaned on.)

I count myself fortunate to have been able to be a comfort to them. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but I wanted to be there for my friend, so I was. When it was uncomfortable, I listened, said little, and then processed my feelings later. I learned so much from them.

I learned how universal grief is, and how hard. I learned how to comfort the grieving without ever mentioning my own feelings unless it was to let them know I understood their feelings. I learned how close grief is to anger, and that the anger isn't about you. I learned how to be water, to buoy the grieving up and let their emotions flow through me.

I learned how to cry without ever letting it show in my voice, because my tears were just empathy leaking from my eyes. I learned how important the words "I'm here" are, and how sometimes that's all you have to say.

I also learned that grief can make people crazy, and that flare of crazy usually isn't who they are. But the flip side of that is how grief makes people more of what they really are. The empathic grow more empathic, more kind, more compassionate.

And the assholes become worse, harder, and sometimes cruel.

I have honed my skills at comforting the grieving over the last few years. Some of these losses are old-- but some are fresh and new, and I am doing my best to pass on the knowledge I've gained from helping friends and family through their losses, and the things I have learned from handling my own griefs, my own losses over the last few years.

Not going to lie: this is so hard.

But the other side of that is how you notice how everything you learn while grieving can apply to other situations. The first time I saw this, I thought I was fooling myself. I thought I was doing the "nail" thing: my new tools to help my friends were a hammer, and this was a nail!

But, it wasn't. The discussion I had with my friend, where I used my grief-stricken friend as an example of how to handle pressure with grace, led to another discussion, and another. And suddenly I was helping my friends handle all their different situations with aplomb and kindness. All because I'd been determined not to abandon my grieving friend when they needed me.

Perhaps everything looks like a nail to me lately because now I have a hammer for just about every different situation. When I mentioned this to a friend, he reminded me of my delight with the deadblow hammer the first time I'd ever seen one. And it is true that I have learned a lot about hammers from my extremely handy husbeast, who has at least three different types.

But mostly, grief feels a little like a solvent. It strips us down to our bare bones. How we rebuild often depends on what resources we have.

I'll bring the hammers.

It's easy to make a resolution, to say you're going to change something. It's much harder to actually do it. I had resolved to go back to school, get my psychology degree, and become a therapist. I applied to and was accepted into my college of choice, and I was SO excited about the classes. Everything was going great.

And then I got the bill. My stomach dropped. I had known the school was expensive, but finding out how expensive was daunting. Still, they promised grants and student loans. After I applied, I found out how much the school would chip in and how much student aid I'd have to get. It was a large number. Larger than I'd expected, but I remained resolute. I went and applied for student loans... and I did not get nearly enough. I stared at the number they were willing to give me and my heart dropped clear through the floor. I'm "high risk," you see. Because I am disabled. They don't want to loan me money because I might not pay it back.

To say that I was crushed would be an understatement. I cried. And then I set about trying to figure out a way to do it. It had to work somehow. I tried everything I could imagine. I applied for scholarships, even ones I didn't really qualify for. Slowly, time ticked by. There was a deadline, after all. I had to have a financial aid package or I wouldn't be able to stay enrolled. I called the financial aid department a lot. They promised to work with me, and then... didn't. I started to feel really disillusioned. Even if I COULD have applied for a personal loan, my credit wasn't good enough to cover it.

And finally, slowly, I accepted it. That school was way too expensive. It may have been my first choice, but it clearly wasn't the right choice.

But...

I still need to follow my heart. I have been slowly getting over the disappointment and realizing I feel a genuine calling to help people. More and more, as I help my friends who have been going through grief and loss, it feels RIGHT to comfort them. And I want to do that professionally. I want to be a grief counselor. That's my path. And I want to follow it.

I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I've been researching another college and may apply there come spring. I am scared. Hell, if I'm honest, I'm terrified. The crushing disappointment I felt from the other school was the worst. I was heartbroken and spent almost a year feeling lost, useless, and unworthy. Do I really have the emotional fortitude to do that again?

...I guess I do.

I made myself a promise, and I am going to try to keep it. That's my resolution. Wish me luck.

Ridiculously
like touching a hot stove yet
also a warm hug

I gotta admit, I'm feeling a lot of emotions, doing this. I have no idea if I'll be able to keep it up, or how much I really want it the way that I wanted it in seasons past.

But.

tinhuviel and I got to be tight because of LJ Idol. And maybe it's stupid, but I feel like maybe I can honor her memory in some small way by playing again. I've been in some pretty low places the past year or so, and I'm trying to dig myself out of them. And LJ Idol was part of some of the best times I had writing. It's also part of some of the friendships and ways that LJ was home.

It's always worth revisiting. Echoes of the past, rippling into today.

How's things by you?

In a day or two, I will be deleting my permanent account at Livejournal. If you are reading this there, I would ask that you contact me via email (deyaniera AT email DOT com), facebook (facebook.com/miintikwa), or Dreamwidth. Because I no longer trust Livejournal to keep my content safe. I have already deleted most of my images that were there, and I've archived and imported all my entries.

It's probably past time to let go of it. I am sad, but I am also resigned.

I hope most of you will come with me to DW or elsewhere.

If not, I wish you well.